#1. Blatant Racism/Homophobia/Overall Ignorance. 

The person I deleted today is actually someone that I knew in real life once upon a time. The funny part is, we didn’t like each other in real life. When we were 11/12 years old she got a group of her friends together and toilet papered my house and other stupid things that children that age do. (She ended up cleaning it up as well… YAY KARMA!) So you can imagine my surprise when I saw a friend request from her in my Facebook inbox. Being all mature and grown up now I decided to accept her friend request and let bygones be bygones. We have never exchanged a single word on Facebook.

Then I noticed the type of content she liked to publish to the News Feed. Almost everything was political in nature, criticizing Obama for this, that and the other. These posts I can ignore. To each their own. Then I started noticing the racist articles that she liked to share. Articles whining about how black on white violence gets ignored because blah, blah, blah. I always took the time to click over and read the article to see if there was actually a well thought out argument and in every single case there was none. Each article was written by a privileged white person who has probably never known a day of persecution in their lives. I mean if you are going to pull out the racism card, let’s not be racist while doing it, hmm?

A while back there was another person on my “friends” who liked to share things of an extremely religious nature. Again, these posts I ignored because to each their own. But when I saw that she was posting articles and Facebook pages condemning homosexuality as wrong and immoral, I deleted her as well.

I have no problem when people hold different political or religious beliefs that I do, but when you are using these beliefs to justify ignorance then that’s when I need to remove that ignorance from my life.

#2 – Drama Llamas. 

I try to keep my life as drama free as possible. I have no use for it. I don’t care what Sue said about Tim or who Jane slept with in a public restroom last weekend. Nope. I have bigger things to deal with and I don’t need that petty nonsense in my life. So if all you ever post about is baby daddy drama and pictures of you making out with your boyfriend(s) then we are going to have to part ways. Let’s keep the high school drama in high school.

#3 – Desperate, Nobody loves me, Forever alone posts. 

If you have had 3 different boyfriends in the past month alone and have claimed to be in love with every single one of them, I’m not going to take you seriously when you whine about how you can’t find a good man. (Or woman) How about you quit throwing yourself at every single person that so much as looks at you and spend all that time you are focusing on trying to find someone, anyone, who will give you 5 minutes of attention and use that time to better yourself. All that time you are spending on Craigslist trying to find a weekend fling that you hope will turn into marriage (Really? Who are you kidding?), how about you spend that at the gym? Or reading a book? Or just bettering yourself in general. When you are desperate, it shows. You will find the right person when the time is right, if you’d just quit trying so damn hard.

#4 – Bad Parents. 

I am nowhere near a perfect parent. I get frustrated. I yell. I say bad words in front of my children. There have been nights when I let them have a bowl of cereal for dinner because I was just too tired to cook. I forget to make them brush their teeth sometimes and I let them watch a lot of tv. So I do not claim to be any kind of authority on parenting. I’m just going with the flow, hoping that I don’t mess them up to the point of needing therapy.

That being said, however, there are just some things that I see other parents do that make me cringe. If you have a child at home and all you can ever talk about is smoking weed and partying? I find that a little irresponsible. I realize that not everyone grows up when they have a child and that makes me sad. I got pregnant at 18 and once she was born it was like I changed overnight. Because suddenly there was this tiny person who was completely dependent upon me and the stuff I wanted to do paled in comparison. Was it an easy transition? Hell no. But I did it. Because it was the right thing to do. So it bothers me when I don’t see other people do that as well. I have never been the type of mom to dump her children on whoever will watch them so I can get a night out. I understand the need for a night away from the kids occasionally. Believe me, I get it. But when you are having someone watch them daily so you can hang out with your buddies? Or dropping them off with someone overnight every weekend so that you can go clubbing? That’s a little ridiculous to me. They are your children. You made the conscious to decision to have them and keep them, now you need to raise them. And that means sacrifice.

#5 – Holier than Thou/Better than You because of such and such. 

On the other side of the coin are those parents that have a superiority complex. “My child eats nothing but organic, whole grain, blah, blah, blah and that makes me a better mother than you.” or “I have never raised my voice to my child in their life! I can’t even imagine why anyone would do such a horrible thing!”  And other such nonsense. Why are mothers so freaking catty? I don’t give a shit how you are raising your kid. You want to raise them as a vegan? Fine. But don’t look down at me because of it. You don’t believe in spanking? That’s, fine, too. But don’t look at me like some kind of child abuser when I swat my kid on the butt. Parenting today is ridiculous. Everyone watches every move you make with your children and judges. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have had the teachers and staff at my daughter’s school look at me in concern because her shoes are torn up or her clothes are stained. She is just naturally hard on her clothes. Shoes we bought her a month ago look like she’s been wearing them for years. Every time I put her in a new outfit it comes home stained. She is super active and her clothing shows it. Sorry I can’t afford to buy her a new outfit every week, but her clothes fit and believe it or not (no matter how they look) they are clean. Shoes are a lost cause. She has gone through 3 pairs this school year alone and I refuse to buy another pair that will end up just as destroyed before the end of the year. I am so sick of people looking at me with pity because my kid is hard on her clothes. I don’t keep my kid in a bubble. She plays, and hard. Her clothing reflects that. Get over it.

This point also extends to just general bitchiness. I deleted one “friend” because she was a “photographer” and every post was critical in the extreme of other “faux-tographers” as she called them. She would whine and complain and make fun constantly when it came to other people who were trying to make a living by being photographers. I get it, there are people out there who call themselves photographers and don’t know which end of the camera they are supposed to look through. But if people want to pay for their services, that’s their choice. Not yours. So shut your pie hole and get over it.

And there you have it, my top 5 reasons for deleting someone from my Facebook friends list. Because the internet is serious business, y’all.

My updates are once monthly now, I guess. Oh well.

I finished my second month of Pharmacy Tech school. We took a picture to commemorate the momentous event.

We took a picture at the end of our first month as well, but I never got a copy of it. So I was smart this time around and took my own camera for the class picture. Two months down, five to go (plus externship).

School is going well. I am maintaining a 4.0 and managed to score Perfect Attendance for my second month. (Didn’t get it in my first month because I got holy hell sick in my second week of school.) At the beginning of the 3rd month the teacher did a mock interview for the role of “lead tech”. Five “applied”, three “got the job”. I was one of those three. My “paycheck” is extra credit. It will look awesome on a resume, I’m sure, but it is a lot of extra work. It’s all a matter of adjustment though and I am sure I will be fine once I get used to balancing the extra workload.

In other news, I got another tattoo. Finally got my other wrist done with Amber’s name as well as getting Alyssa’s name touched up.

They are in the super itchy/peeling stage right now and I am so ready for them to just be completely healed. But I am glad that I have them both done now. In other body modification news, I have been stretching my ears. (I can’t remember if I ever posted that or not.) I am currently at a 2g. I have been at a 2g for 3 months now. I have tried several times to stretch up to 0g but my ears just won’t cooperate. I was ready to give up but then I remembered about taping. So I am going to give that a shot. My goal size is 00g. Hopefully, taping will get me there. (Gratuitous picture of stretched ears:)

The kids are doing great. Alyssa is on spring break (for two weeks)! We have been trying to do fun things to keep them entertained. Like board games and play doh.

So far, so good. They haven’t killed each other yet. I can’t wait until we are able to move to a bigger place, though, so they can have their own rooms again. Apartment living just isn’t cutting it for our family anymore. We need space and room to play. (And neighbors that live more than 5 feet away.) We have about 3 months left on our lease, so maybe we will move this summer. I don’t know. It would be nice, but there is also a lot going on as well. We shall see.

Here’s a few random shots that I shared on Twitter and Facebook. Nothing mind blowing. Just a new shift knob for my car (it’s so pretty) and new bedding for our new bed (it’s so comfy, especially after nearly two years of sleeping on air mattresses.)

 I am thinking that we may never see our actual furniture again. August will make 2 years since we left Hawaii. That’s 2 years without our stuff. We manage to get in touch we the people who have our stuff stored in San Antonio but nothing has been done yet. This has been the most ridiculous process of my life. You’d think they would be trying to get rid of all our crap. But no, it’s all one big cluster fuck of a circle and I just want my stuff back already. I mean it’s gotten to the point where we have almost completely replaced everything we had before. But still, there are things of sentimental value that I would like to have back, not to mention all of my books. *Sigh* Someday, hopefully.

That’s all I got for now. I’ll update again when I get the time, energy and blogging material!

So what have I been up to? Well I started school back in January. I am going to be a Pharmacy Tech. I’m about 2 months in and I really like it so far. It has done wonders for my depression. I have a reason to get out of the house daily. Ya know, other than taking the kid to school. It has been so exhausting, but so worth it. I have something to pour myself into again. I have a goal to work towards. It is so therapeutic to have something in my life that I am doing for myself. And it’s funny how taking this step has motivated me to plan out like the next 10 years of my life.

I have my own car again. It’s not much, just a ’92 Honda Civic. But it is paid for and it is mine. It has a manual transmission, so I had to learn how to drive it, but I have been getting myself to school and back and picking up and dropping off kids along the way so I guess I’m doing okay with it. It’s a learning process!

The kids are doing good. Amber took it pretty hard when I started school and we had to start spending so much time apart. [To be honest, I did, too.] But she is adjusted now and likes going to grandma’s house twice a week. Alyssa likes that she gets to go to the after school program, so yeah she is cool with spending less time with me. We are having issues with Alyssa and the school is pushing us to get her evaluated for ADD, so we are just waiting for insurance to kick in so I can take her to the doctor. She also got glasses back in December, I don’t know if I blogged about that yet or not.

The husband is doing good as well. When he saw how fast and easy it was for me to go back to school, he decided to go back as well. He is majoring in Networking and Communications Management. [Don't ask me what it is, I still don't know.] He has dropped down to working part time as well, so right now he is home more often than I am. How crazy!

That’s the gist of what is going on around here. My day to day life is pretty boring. I play mom and then I go to school and then I come home and play mom some more. I fall into bed by 9 pm every night and drag myself out of bed somewhere between 5:30 and 6:30 the next morning. I spend my weekends catching up on all of the cleaning I fell behind on during the week [Which is always a lot!] and doing homework. There is never really anything blog worthy. I haven’t even been taking pictures. I take a few here and there but my phone always eats them so whatever.

About this blog… I’m keeping it going, if only for sentimental reasons. I switched to a minimal theme because every time I try to dedicate hours to coding Atahualpa, it only gets half done. If I’m not so worried about how it looks then maybe I will focus more on content. We shall see!

I’ll end it here for tonight. And I won’t even leave you guys with a false promise of trying to update more often. I’ll update when I update and I appreciate those of you that are still around [my FeedBurner says there are about 20 of you!] . I hope you guys enjoy your weekends and Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

DEPRESSION

She’s a persistant bitch. She sucks the life out of everything. Things I used to love doing all seem so tedious now. So I will start a blog post, but half way through I will get tired of typing. I miss doing the things that I loved. Like taking pictures and editing them. And blogging every day. And editing my theme every week. I had all of these hobbies that I really enjoyed doing, but now I can’t bring myself to get back into them. The desire is there. It really is. But when I start working on something, I get all irritated and frustrated and quit. My concentration is shot. I can’t focus on anything for very long. And I mean anything. Books, movies, TV shows. Nothing holds my interest anymore. Do you know how incredibly frustrating that is? Every once in a while, a day here and there, I will have a good day. I will be able to clean up my house and maybe watch a movie all the way through. But those days are few and far between. I think this is the worst my depression has ever been. Even before my last suicide attempt I was still able to somewhat enjoy my hobbies.

I need my medications back. It kills me knowing that a few pills everyday can make this better. That a pill in the morning and a pill at night is enough to make me function like a normal human being. And oh, how I miss that feeling. It was beautiful for the short while I had it. I remember waking up in the morning and thinking to myself,  ”So this is how normal people do it.” It was wonderful to be able to do the simple things without having to force myself to. But now? Everything is a struggle. Every single thing. I feel like I am always on the brink of drowing. Just doing enough to keep my head above the surface. And it is so exhausting. And oh, let’s not even get into my sleeping habits. I would sleep all day, every day if I could. Just sleep my life right away and not think twice  about it.

I wrote a post back in 2010, about a week or two after I was released from the hospital following my suicide attempt. It was called Functioning vs, Surviving. At that point I was learning what it meant to be able to function. I had been on medication long enough for it to start taking effect and I was amazed at the changes I saw in myself. A lot of people view depression as something that people just need to “snap out of”. They don’t see it as the illness it is. I was one of those people before I started medication. I remember being so frustrated and so mad at myself, because no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t “snap out of it”. And here I am again. Trying to “snap out of it”. And it’s not working. I have no health insurance right now and I haven’t been to see a doctor since we left Hawaii a year and a half ago. There are clinics I could call for help. But thanks to the absolute gift that is social anxiety, the thought of talking to anyone on the phone sends me damn near into a panic attack. So I am stuck here for the moment. Not living. Not really functioning. Just surviving.

The beautiful thing about this? Even in my current state of mind, I have still gone out of my way to help the people who ask it of me. I can’t fucking help myself, but to my dying breath I will help others.

The beautiful thing about that? My help was not appreciated. Not even a little. I was made to feel bad, because one time… ONE TIME… I chose to put my feelings and needs above theirs.

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

I hate when people won’t look beyond their own selfish desires to see what others are battling.

But, I digress.

I’m trying to pull myself together.

I start school next week. And I am hoping that sometime this week I can get up the nerve to make the call to see a psychiatrist so I can go back on my medications. I refuse to let 2012 to be the gaping hole of nothingness that 2011 was for me.

And I am going to start updating this more. Even if that means only once a week.

So imagine my surprise this morning when I woke up to complete and total silence. (Well, other than my darling husband snoring away next to me.) I checked my clock and it was just a few minutes before 7am. Definitely right around the time when I should be hearing demands for sustenance and cries of, “My sister won’t leave me alone!” So what conclusion does my rational mommy mind jump to? “OH MY GOD! SOMEONE SLAUGHTERED MY CHILDREN IN THEIR SLEEP!” Yeah. I’m not even kidding. That was literally the first thing I thought. It’s great being a mother. All rational thought goes out the window where my children are concerned. I saw a picture that summed this up perfectly, so I did some digging around on the interwebz this morning so I could share it with you guys:

That picture is the most accurate description of motherhood I have ever seen in my life.

I, of course, realized that the likelihood that a serial killer had broken into my house and murdered my children as I slept peacefully in the next room was slim to none. Nevertheless, I tiptoed into their room this morning to reassure myself that they were still breathing. And to snap pictures of my sleeping babies. How cute are they? All quiet and asleep and not talking or screaming or whining or crying.

(Yay for camera phone pictures!)

They slept in just long enough for me to make some coffee. And they woke up in good moods! I guess there is a lot to be said for fresh sheets, warms pajamas, a nice hot bath and a story before bed. Who would have thought, huh?

 And I can’t freaking wait! Must charge camera today! My father in law is coming to pick the girls up early in the morning and then we’ll be off!!! I could possibly be meeting Seether tomorrow! I may die of happiness! Can’t wait to share pictures with you guys! See you next week! Have a great weekend!

My last post, prior to the “OMG-I-Am-Just-Gonna-Delete-Everything-And-Start-Over” episode, was 5 months ago. So if there is anyone out there who is still subscribed to this nonsense I guess I should let you guys know what all has happened since then.

5 months ago we were still living with Chris’s grandma. In July we finally moved into our own place. It’s not much but it is our own space and it is wonderful to have that again!

I can’t remember if Chris was working yet when I last posted, but if not then I’ll let you guys know that he does have a job now. For a while he was working two jobs but the poor guy was running himself ragged from getting off work at one job and then going straight to work at another one. He was only working the second job once a week, but still. I was glad when he finally quit the second job. On another note, Chris’s disability from the VA finally went through. That has been a big help to us as well!

5 months ago we were still driving the POS Nissan that we bought from my parents when we lived in Louisiana. Well that car died on us almost immediately after we moved into out new place. (Talk about bad luck, huh?) For a while Chris was borrowing his dad’s car when he needed to go to work, but then he saved up enough money to get another car. For the first time since the Focus died on us, I feel as if we have traded up for a car, rather than down. Here is a side by side comparison of the old Nissan and New (to us) Subaru!

5 months ago, Alyssa was still in Kindergarten. Now she is in first grade. We weren’t too sure if she was going to be in first grade this year because she struggled through Kindergarten. But she pulled through at the end of the year and her teacher felt confident letting her move on to the next grade. Now that she is in first grade (at yet another new school! School #4. Ugh.) her teacher has concerns that Alyssa may have ADD. This doesn’t surprise me at all since I have suspected it for a while as well. So, once we have health insurance again, I will be taking Alyssa to the doctor to get her tested for ADD. Is it wrong that I am hoping they confirm that she does in fact have it? It would just explain so much, ya know? Anyways, in addition to the ADD concerns, it seems Alyssa also failed her vision test that the school gave her last week. I found that very odd since she has never failed one before, but it seems to be general consensus that it may be because of the ADD (if she does in fact have it). Either way it seems we have something to deal with. I just hope it is one or the other and not both. And here is a side by side of my baby girl on the last day of Kindergarten and the first day of first grade!

5 months ago, Amber was just embarking on the adventure of potty training. Now… well it’s still an adventure. She’s got peeing in the potty down but refuses to go #2 in it. I am incredibly frustrated by this and have tried every trick in the book to get her to go in the potty. All to no avail. The kid is gonna be 4 in less than a month!!! She could be in preschool right now. All I can do is keep trying and hope that she picks it up soon. If you have any tips, tricks or magic freaking spells that can help me with this, please let me know! I will be eternally grateful! Recent pic of Amber:

 Now that I have caught up on everyone else, I guess I could share what I have been up to these past 5 months… NOTHING. That’s right. I have done nothing important except try to stay sane. Oh, and I got a tattoo:

Got Alyssa's name on my left wrist. Gonna get Amber's name on my right!

 Seriously though, I completely lost interest in everything there for a while. (Isn’t depression AWESOME?!?!) I quit writing, blogging and taking pictures. And I started reading fanfiction. Lots and lots of fanfiction. Yeah.

 Now I am on the path to getting everything back to normal. I am looking into health insurance so that we can get Alyssa tested for ADD and so I can go back on my medications (because it is a freaking miracle that I am not locked in a mental institution right now). We STILL don’t have our furniture (15 months and counting…) but I am really hoping that will be resolved soon, because I really miss our stuff. I am hoping I can pull myself together enough (mentally) to go back to school next fall. Next month is NaNoWriMo and I am planning to do that. I have had an idea in my head since July and I am ready to start working on it. I also have a gym membership at a place right down the road so I can start working out and tanning again!

 I think that’s just about everything for now. I added a menu on the right sidebar with links to different pages that I can be found at, so feel free to add me or follow me or whatever if you use any of those sites!

This is becoming a near nightly occurrence.

Some nights it is just sleep talking.

Other nights she screams in terror.

This particular early morning  she seems to be groaning in distress.

Alyssa joins her and, even in their sleep, the siblings fight.

I don’t have to go investigate to know what is happening though.

Amber climbed into Alyssa’s bed last night after Alyssa fell asleep.

And now they are competing for space.

I listen for a few moments, waiting for Amber to come get in bed with me as she invariably does.

When she doesn’t come and the struggling continues, I go to her.

I scoop her up in my arms, she wraps her arms around my neck, lays her head on my shoulder.

I hold her for a few moments and bury my face in her curly hair.

She still smells of baby shampoo.

I lay her down in her own bed and she rolls over and finds sleep once again.

I return to my own “bed”.

An inflatable air mattress in the next room.

I lay down upon it and to my dismay, it has gone almost completely flat.

[--Guess that rubber cement didn't fix the leak after all.--]

I sit on the floor and open my laptop, feeling the desire to write.

But with my legs going numb every few minutes, I find it hard to concentrate.

I keep shifting my weight and repositioning my legs.

Nothing helps.

I lay back on my flat air mattress in frustration.

But I do not want to sleep.

I think back to all of my sleepless nights at our house in Hawaii.

It was easier then.

I would gather my laptop, journal and pens.

I would head downstairs to make some coffee.

As my coffee was brewing, I would arrange all of my things on the table on the back porch.

I would return to the kitchen, retrieve my coffee and then head outside to write.

When the sun rose, I would gather my things ups and head back inside to start my day.

But here, in Grandma’s house it is not that simple.

So I try to improvise.

As quietly as I possible can, I set up my laptop at the kitchen table.

Every creaking board sounds like a sonic boom.

Rather than bumping around in the kitchen trying to make coffee, I decide to walk to 7-Eleven.

[--Hubby did buy me that nice coffee cup that is only 99 cents to refill.--]

As quietly as I possible can, I put my shoes on… without socks.

[--There is no way I will be able to open that creaky drawer without waking the kids.--]

I grab my coffee cup & a dollar bill and slip out of the front door.

The cool morning air greets me.

I am always reminded of my time on Active Duty on mornings like these.

Getting up at 4am to go for a run.

I loathe running, but the thought still makes me smile.

I walk slowly in the direction of the 7-Eleven and relive memories of Ft. Leonard Wood.

I can almost smell DFAC breakfast cooking.

The 7-Eleven comes into view.

Much to my dismay, black letters on a white sign halt me in my tracks.

CLOSED.

I slink up to the door anyways, hoping that there is no one inside to shoo me away.

They have no hours of operation posted.

Damn.

I walk back to my non-home with an empty coffee cup in hand.

I slip back inside the house-that-is-not-my-own.

I sit at the table-that-is-unfamiliar.

I focus on writing and cringe at every sound.

And more than anything, I long to be back in a home of my own.

I miss the taste of my own coffee.

Grandma likes to nag.

It is a well known fact within the family.

When I first met her, I couldn’t stand her & her nagging.

But I have grown and matured since then.

For the most part, I can let whatever she says roll off of my back.

She goes through these phases where she is cool and we get along really well.

Then she gets all naggy and bitchy and I have to bite my tongue a lot.

Well me and Grandma have been getting along really well lately.

So I knew that the naggy and bitchy phase must be fast approaching.

I prepared myself for it.

It started last night.

At first it was the usual stuff.

“Have you made this appointment?”

“No, Grandma, not yet.”

“Have you made that appointment?”

“No, Grandma, not yet.”

“Well then you need to get on it.”

“Yes, Grandma, I will.”

Then she starts nagging me about cleaning up more.

Which I accept.

[--I know that I am not the world's best house keeper. Not by ANY means.--]

All of this happens around dinner time last night.

In addition to asking me about appointments and telling me to clean more, she complains about what I have made for dinner.

Apparently I did not make enough food.

But I made exactly what she had told me to the day prior.

This too, I let go.

I let her know that I am not feeling well and will not being eating dinner.

After Grandma finishes her dinner ( Baked Chicken Breast, Salad and Corn) she immediately gets up and fixes herself bread and butter as if she is ravenous.

(There was still three pieces of chicken, plenty of salad and plenty of corn. And I had already informed her that I was not eating.)

After she eats that, she places her dirty dishes in the sink and grabs a bowl of popcorn before storming off to the living room.

I observe that, even though I cooked dinner, I will be doing the dishes myself tonight.

And I am okay with that.

I say nothing.

The kids finish their dinner and I send them off.

I sit and wait for Chris to come back from helping a friend do something.

The phone rings.

Grandma starts griping to the person on the other end about how no one around here tells her anything & how she has to ask all of these questions to find out anything.

This irritates me, as a lot of the things she inquires about are actually NONE of her business.

But I let it go.

I say nothing.

Chris comes home and I meet him outside.

His friend is with him & we spend approx. 30 min. just talking/venting frustrations.

Then his friend leaves & Chris & I head inside to clean up the kitchen.

After the kitchen is clean, Chris & I decide that it is time for bed.

Chris sneaks off to the room where we sleep, but I make sure to tell Grandma “Good Night”.

[--As I do every night.--]

She repeats everything she nagged me about at dinner time.

I nod my head in agreement.

She tells me to clean the room where we sleep.

I nod my head in agreement.

Then she adds, for good measure, that we don’t want to attract bugs and illness.

[-- In my mind, I roll my eyes because she is being over-dramatic.

Sure the room we sleep in is messy, but it is not dirty.--]

I nod in agreement, once again and head off to bed.

Then this morning rolls around.

The kids are awake before I am, as usual.

I walk into the kitchen to see that Grandma has made herself and the kids breakfast.

Instead of taking my usual place at the table with them, I sit in the living room with Chris.

Grandma sets the plates down in front of the kids.

[--Bacon, Eggs, Toast.--]

Alyssa immediately starts complaining about what Grandma has made.

This irritates me so I tell her to Shut It!

Grandma raises her voice.

“ENOUGH!” she says.

I can’t tell if she is talking to me or to Alyssa, though I assume she is talking to Alyssa.

A few minutes later Alyssa is talking again and Grandma tells her to eat her breakfast.

Alyssa blatantly ignores her and continues to talk.

At which point I intercede and once again tell her to Shut It!

Now Grandma spins around in her chair and starts yelling at me!!!

[--I can't remember exactly what she said now... unfortunate side effect when I lose my temper.--]

All I remember is she is yelling at me for always telling my kids to shut up and eat.

[--The irony here, is that she often does the SAME DAMN THING!--]

She says something that implies that I don’t pay enough attention to my children.

And… I… Lose… My… Shit…

I don’t remember getting off the couch and taking the 10-20 steps to cross from the living room to the kitchen.

All I remember is being in her face and yelling.

I can handle a lot of nagging.

Especially when it comes to shit I know I am bad with.

Like procrastination.

Or cleaning.

But sweet Mary mother of god, do NOT criticize me as a mother.

[--You might not want to flame on my husband either, because I will eat your face.--]

I have had little to no help in raising my children.

When other bitches had baby showers, I had hand me downs from kind strangers.

When other bitches had their mommy hold their hand while they were in labor, I had a mother that refused to visit me because she didn’t approve of me getting married.

When other bitches had family helping them through the first difficult weeks with their newborns, I had family that either hated the man I married (my side) or worked themselves to death (Chris’s side.)

When other bitches had baby sitters and weekends away from their children, I had my kids 24/7, for the same reasons as stated above.

I know I am not the world’s greatest mother.

I will be the first to admit that I am short on patience.

[--Just watch me when it is time to do Alyssa's homework.--]

But god damn it, I try.

I try harder than I have ever tried at anything.

And considering I came from an alcoholic mother who pretty much told me that I was an accident,

I think I am doing a pretty damn good job.

Considering that I was pretty much raised by my Nana and I only have memories of a drunk, raging mother,

I think I am doing a pretty damn good job.

Considering that I was cut off from my loving & stable grandparents at the age of 12 to be completely raised by a manipulative, conniving mother,

I think I am doing a pretty damn good job.

Considering that I have lived a life that has left me damaged mentally,

I think I am doing a pretty damn good job.

So… don’t fucking judge me and tell me that I am not a good mother.

I do my best… and really what more than that can I do?

[--Anyways... back to this morning...--]

So there I am in Grandma’s face, freaking out.

And she tells me to “Get a job and move out.”

[--OUCH! Low fucking blow. Like, I don't already feel like shit for not working.--]

At this point, Chris loses his shit.

Suddenly, he is right there beside me, flipping out at Grandma, too.

[--If you knew my husband, you would know how unlikely it is for him to flip out.--]

He tells her that my job is to raise the children.

She makes more comments implying that I am not doing a good enough job.

And after that I really don’t remember much aside from screaming and shaking.

The whole thing was pretty explosive and remains unresolved.

I can not bear the fact that I have to stay in the same house as this woman.

This woman who thinks I am a bad mother.

This woman who thinks I am useless because I am not working.

But… I have nowhere else to go.

Today, for the first time since leaving, I wished I was back in Louisiana.