She’s a persistant bitch. She sucks the life out of everything. Things I used to love doing all seem so tedious now. So I will start a [...]]]> So here we are. Three weeks into 2012. Have I blogged at all? Absolutely not. Have I wanted to? Of course I have. But here’s the problem:

DEPRESSION

She’s a persistant bitch. She sucks the life out of everything. Things I used to love doing all seem so tedious now. So I will start a blog post, but half way through I will get tired of typing. I miss doing the things that I loved. Like taking pictures and editing them. And blogging every day. And editing my theme every week. I had all of these hobbies that I really enjoyed doing, but now I can’t bring myself to get back into them. The desire is there. It really is. But when I start working on something, I get all irritated and frustrated and quit. My concentration is shot. I can’t focus on anything for very long. And I mean anything. Books, movies, TV shows. Nothing holds my interest anymore. Do you know how incredibly frustrating that is? Every once in a while, a day here and there, I will have a good day. I will be able to clean up my house and maybe watch a movie all the way through. But those days are few and far between. I think this is the worst my depression has ever been. Even before my last suicide attempt I was still able to somewhat enjoy my hobbies.

I need my medications back. It kills me knowing that a few pills everyday can make this better. That a pill in the morning and a pill at night is enough to make me function like a normal human being. And oh, how I miss that feeling. It was beautiful for the short while I had it. I remember waking up in the morning and thinking to myself,  ”So this is how normal people do it.” It was wonderful to be able to do the simple things without having to force myself to. But now? Everything is a struggle. Every single thing. I feel like I am always on the brink of drowing. Just doing enough to keep my head above the surface. And it is so exhausting. And oh, let’s not even get into my sleeping habits. I would sleep all day, every day if I could. Just sleep my life right away and not think twice  about it.

I wrote a post back in 2010, about a week or two after I was released from the hospital following my suicide attempt. It was called Functioning vs, Surviving. At that point I was learning what it meant to be able to function. I had been on medication long enough for it to start taking effect and I was amazed at the changes I saw in myself. A lot of people view depression as something that people just need to “snap out of”. They don’t see it as the illness it is. I was one of those people before I started medication. I remember being so frustrated and so mad at myself, because no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t “snap out of it”. And here I am again. Trying to “snap out of it”. And it’s not working. I have no health insurance right now and I haven’t been to see a doctor since we left Hawaii a year and a half ago. There are clinics I could call for help. But thanks to the absolute gift that is social anxiety, the thought of talking to anyone on the phone sends me damn near into a panic attack. So I am stuck here for the moment. Not living. Not really functioning. Just surviving.

The beautiful thing about this? Even in my current state of mind, I have still gone out of my way to help the people who ask it of me. I can’t fucking help myself, but to my dying breath I will help others.

The beautiful thing about that? My help was not appreciated. Not even a little. I was made to feel bad, because one time… ONE TIME… I chose to put my feelings and needs above theirs.

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

I hate when people won’t look beyond their own selfish desires to see what others are battling.

But, I digress.

I’m trying to pull myself together.

I start school next week. And I am hoping that sometime this week I can get up the nerve to make the call to see a psychiatrist so I can go back on my medications. I refuse to let 2012 to be the gaping hole of nothingness that 2011 was for me.

And I am going to start updating this more. Even if that means only once a week.

 And I can’t freaking wait! Must charge camera today! My father in law is coming to pick the girls up early in the morning and then we’ll be off!!! I could possibly be meeting Seether tomorrow! I may die of happiness! Can’t wait [...]]]> Going to Rockstar UpRoar Tour Tomorrow!!!

 And I can’t freaking wait! Must charge camera today! My father in law is coming to pick the girls up early in the morning and then we’ll be off!!! I could possibly be meeting Seether tomorrow! I may die of happiness! Can’t wait to share pictures with you guys! See you next week! Have a great weekend!

This is becoming a near nightly occurrence.

Some nights it is just sleep talking.

Other nights she screams in terror.

This particular early morning  she seems to be groaning in distress.

Alyssa joins her and, even in their sleep, the siblings fight.

I don’t have to go [...]]]> At around 2:30am, Amber calls out in her sleep.

This is becoming a near nightly occurrence.

Some nights it is just sleep talking.

Other nights she screams in terror.

This particular early morning  she seems to be groaning in distress.

Alyssa joins her and, even in their sleep, the siblings fight.

I don’t have to go investigate to know what is happening though.

Amber climbed into Alyssa’s bed last night after Alyssa fell asleep.

And now they are competing for space.

I listen for a few moments, waiting for Amber to come get in bed with me as she invariably does.

When she doesn’t come and the struggling continues, I go to her.

I scoop her up in my arms, she wraps her arms around my neck, lays her head on my shoulder.

I hold her for a few moments and bury my face in her curly hair.

She still smells of baby shampoo.

I lay her down in her own bed and she rolls over and finds sleep once again.

I return to my own “bed”.

An inflatable air mattress in the next room.

I lay down upon it and to my dismay, it has gone almost completely flat.

[--Guess that rubber cement didn't fix the leak after all.--]

I sit on the floor and open my laptop, feeling the desire to write.

But with my legs going numb every few minutes, I find it hard to concentrate.

I keep shifting my weight and repositioning my legs.

Nothing helps.

I lay back on my flat air mattress in frustration.

But I do not want to sleep.

I think back to all of my sleepless nights at our house in Hawaii.

It was easier then.

I would gather my laptop, journal and pens.

I would head downstairs to make some coffee.

As my coffee was brewing, I would arrange all of my things on the table on the back porch.

I would return to the kitchen, retrieve my coffee and then head outside to write.

When the sun rose, I would gather my things ups and head back inside to start my day.

But here, in Grandma’s house it is not that simple.

So I try to improvise.

As quietly as I possible can, I set up my laptop at the kitchen table.

Every creaking board sounds like a sonic boom.

Rather than bumping around in the kitchen trying to make coffee, I decide to walk to 7-Eleven.

[--Hubby did buy me that nice coffee cup that is only 99 cents to refill.--]

As quietly as I possible can, I put my shoes on… without socks.

[--There is no way I will be able to open that creaky drawer without waking the kids.--]

I grab my coffee cup & a dollar bill and slip out of the front door.

The cool morning air greets me.

I am always reminded of my time on Active Duty on mornings like these.

Getting up at 4am to go for a run.

I loathe running, but the thought still makes me smile.

I walk slowly in the direction of the 7-Eleven and relive memories of Ft. Leonard Wood.

I can almost smell DFAC breakfast cooking.

The 7-Eleven comes into view.

Much to my dismay, black letters on a white sign halt me in my tracks.

CLOSED.

I slink up to the door anyways, hoping that there is no one inside to shoo me away.

They have no hours of operation posted.

Damn.

I walk back to my non-home with an empty coffee cup in hand.

I slip back inside the house-that-is-not-my-own.

I sit at the table-that-is-unfamiliar.

I focus on writing and cringe at every sound.

And more than anything, I long to be back in a home of my own.

I miss the taste of my own coffee.

Grandma likes to nag.

It is a well known fact within the family.

When I first met her, I couldn’t stand her & her nagging.

But I have grown and matured since then.

For the most part, I can let whatever she [...]]]> We have been living with Grandma for a little over 2 months now.

Grandma likes to nag.

It is a well known fact within the family.

When I first met her, I couldn’t stand her & her nagging.

But I have grown and matured since then.

For the most part, I can let whatever she says roll off of my back.

She goes through these phases where she is cool and we get along really well.

Then she gets all naggy and bitchy and I have to bite my tongue a lot.

Well me and Grandma have been getting along really well lately.

So I knew that the naggy and bitchy phase must be fast approaching.

I prepared myself for it.

It started last night.

At first it was the usual stuff.

“Have you made this appointment?”

“No, Grandma, not yet.”

“Have you made that appointment?”

“No, Grandma, not yet.”

“Well then you need to get on it.”

“Yes, Grandma, I will.”

Then she starts nagging me about cleaning up more.

Which I accept.

[--I know that I am not the world's best house keeper. Not by ANY means.--]

All of this happens around dinner time last night.

In addition to asking me about appointments and telling me to clean more, she complains about what I have made for dinner.

Apparently I did not make enough food.

But I made exactly what she had told me to the day prior.

This too, I let go.

I let her know that I am not feeling well and will not being eating dinner.

After Grandma finishes her dinner ( Baked Chicken Breast, Salad and Corn) she immediately gets up and fixes herself bread and butter as if she is ravenous.

(There was still three pieces of chicken, plenty of salad and plenty of corn. And I had already informed her that I was not eating.)

After she eats that, she places her dirty dishes in the sink and grabs a bowl of popcorn before storming off to the living room.

I observe that, even though I cooked dinner, I will be doing the dishes myself tonight.

And I am okay with that.

I say nothing.

The kids finish their dinner and I send them off.

I sit and wait for Chris to come back from helping a friend do something.

The phone rings.

Grandma starts griping to the person on the other end about how no one around here tells her anything & how she has to ask all of these questions to find out anything.

This irritates me, as a lot of the things she inquires about are actually NONE of her business.

But I let it go.

I say nothing.

Chris comes home and I meet him outside.

His friend is with him & we spend approx. 30 min. just talking/venting frustrations.

Then his friend leaves & Chris & I head inside to clean up the kitchen.

After the kitchen is clean, Chris & I decide that it is time for bed.

Chris sneaks off to the room where we sleep, but I make sure to tell Grandma “Good Night”.

[--As I do every night.--]

She repeats everything she nagged me about at dinner time.

I nod my head in agreement.

She tells me to clean the room where we sleep.

I nod my head in agreement.

Then she adds, for good measure, that we don’t want to attract bugs and illness.

[-- In my mind, I roll my eyes because she is being over-dramatic.

Sure the room we sleep in is messy, but it is not dirty.--]

I nod in agreement, once again and head off to bed.

Then this morning rolls around.

The kids are awake before I am, as usual.

I walk into the kitchen to see that Grandma has made herself and the kids breakfast.

Instead of taking my usual place at the table with them, I sit in the living room with Chris.

Grandma sets the plates down in front of the kids.

[--Bacon, Eggs, Toast.--]

Alyssa immediately starts complaining about what Grandma has made.

This irritates me so I tell her to Shut It!

Grandma raises her voice.

“ENOUGH!” she says.

I can’t tell if she is talking to me or to Alyssa, though I assume she is talking to Alyssa.

A few minutes later Alyssa is talking again and Grandma tells her to eat her breakfast.

Alyssa blatantly ignores her and continues to talk.

At which point I intercede and once again tell her to Shut It!

Now Grandma spins around in her chair and starts yelling at me!!!

[--I can't remember exactly what she said now... unfortunate side effect when I lose my temper.--]

All I remember is she is yelling at me for always telling my kids to shut up and eat.

[--The irony here, is that she often does the SAME DAMN THING!--]

She says something that implies that I don’t pay enough attention to my children.

And… I… Lose… My… Shit…

I don’t remember getting off the couch and taking the 10-20 steps to cross from the living room to the kitchen.

All I remember is being in her face and yelling.

I can handle a lot of nagging.

Especially when it comes to shit I know I am bad with.

Like procrastination.

Or cleaning.

But sweet Mary mother of god, do NOT criticize me as a mother.

[--You might not want to flame on my husband either, because I will eat your face.--]

I have had little to no help in raising my children.

When other bitches had baby showers, I had hand me downs from kind strangers.

When other bitches had their mommy hold their hand while they were in labor, I had a mother that refused to visit me because she didn’t approve of me getting married.

When other bitches had family helping them through the first difficult weeks with their newborns, I had family that either hated the man I married (my side) or worked themselves to death (Chris’s side.)

When other bitches had baby sitters and weekends away from their children, I had my kids 24/7, for the same reasons as stated above.

I know I am not the world’s greatest mother.

I will be the first to admit that I am short on patience.

[--Just watch me when it is time to do Alyssa's homework.--]

But god damn it, I try.

I try harder than I have ever tried at anything.

And considering I came from an alcoholic mother who pretty much told me that I was an accident,

I think I am doing a pretty damn good job.

Considering that I was pretty much raised by my Nana and I only have memories of a drunk, raging mother,

I think I am doing a pretty damn good job.

Considering that I was cut off from my loving & stable grandparents at the age of 12 to be completely raised by a manipulative, conniving mother,

I think I am doing a pretty damn good job.

Considering that I have lived a life that has left me damaged mentally,

I think I am doing a pretty damn good job.

So… don’t fucking judge me and tell me that I am not a good mother.

I do my best… and really what more than that can I do?

[--Anyways... back to this morning...--]

So there I am in Grandma’s face, freaking out.

And she tells me to “Get a job and move out.”

[--OUCH! Low fucking blow. Like, I don't already feel like shit for not working.--]

At this point, Chris loses his shit.

Suddenly, he is right there beside me, flipping out at Grandma, too.

[--If you knew my husband, you would know how unlikely it is for him to flip out.--]

He tells her that my job is to raise the children.

She makes more comments implying that I am not doing a good enough job.

And after that I really don’t remember much aside from screaming and shaking.

The whole thing was pretty explosive and remains unresolved.

I can not bear the fact that I have to stay in the same house as this woman.

This woman who thinks I am a bad mother.

This woman who thinks I am useless because I am not working.

But… I have nowhere else to go.

Today, for the first time since leaving, I wished I was back in Louisiana.

You go from serene and peaceful to bitchy and irritable.

No?

Just me?

Go figure.

Once again I am off my meds.

No insurance = No medication.

For the most part, I am managing.

But some days are harder [...]]]> Have you ever been in the middle of a blog post when suddenly your mood changes?

You go from serene and peaceful to bitchy and irritable.

No?

Just me?

Go figure.

Once again I am off my meds.

No insurance = No medication.

For the most part, I am managing.

But some days are harder than others.

Today is one of those days.

I am pretty sure it is due to my lack of sleep last night.

You see, my favorite part of the day is bedtime.

[--You forget how bad life sucks when you are asleep.--]

But last night, Amber climbed into bed with me.

[--It is getting to be a ritual with her.--]

And then she took over the whole bed.

I woke up grumpy at about 6:30am and proceeded to go sleep in Amber’s bed.

She followed me.

And then she took over the whole bed.

Then the phone rang.

There was no way in hell I was getting up to answer it.

[--Not my house. Not my problem.--]

But both girls hopped out of bed and ran down the hall screaming.

“The phone is ringing! The phone is ringing!”

[--No shit. I can hear the damn thing.--]

And that is how my morning started.

I got the girls their breakfast and ate mine.

Then Grandma brought up Alyssa’s homework.

I then jumped across the kitchen table and ripped Grandma’s head off.

[--At least in my mind I did.--]

But I mean really?

I hadn’t even had my coffee yet.

We still have 4 days until Alyssa goes back to school.

The homework will get done.

I promise.

Even if it isn’t done according to Grandma’s schedule.

So, feeling obligated, as soon as breakfast was done, we opened up Alyssa’s homework folder.

The teacher sent her home with a B Level Reader for Spring Break.

She has been on A Level.

She couldn’t even read the first word in the title.

As soon as grandma left for work, we closed the folder.

I didn’t have the patience for that shit.

Around 10am I went and dragged Chris’s bum ass out of bed.

He has a drug test for his part time job today.

And he has an interview for another job.

And tonight he is leaving to go up to Ramona until Friday.

For a temporary job with his uncle.

And internally, I am freaking out.

Because I NEED HIM.

He is my strength and my sanity.

I bitch and moan and groan to him and he LISTENS.

He tells me to fucking pull myself together because shit will get better.

I NEED THAT.

And with him gone, I won’t have that.

I will have to completely rely on myself to keep my shit together.

Don’t freak out on Grandma.

Don’t freak out on Grandma.

Don’t freak out on Grandma.

[-- I love & appreciate the woman, but she drives me fucking insane sometimes.--]

I understand that he is going so that he can make money to get us closer to getting out on our own again.

But still, I am going to fucking miss him.

How did I ever survive a deployment?

Anyways…

So that’s how this morning has been.

I am so damn lucky that I found someone who would marry my psychotic ass.

That’s all I have for now.

I have a sink full of dishes waiting for me and they need to be done before Grandma gets home.


Dig by Incubus by astatine11

Time seems to be flying by since moving to California.

I just don’t get it.

Our weeks are usually stressed filled.

Chris spends all of his time searching for jobs and places to live.

I spend all of my time with the kids and cleaning.

[-- I [...]]]> How is it the end of March already?

Time seems to be flying by since moving to California.

I just don’t get it.

Our weeks are usually stressed filled.

Chris spends all of his time searching for jobs and places to live.

I spend all of my time with the kids and cleaning.

[-- I do my best to appease Grandma, but nevertheless she finds my shortcomings.--]

Strange as it may seem, though neither of us are working, I look forward to the weekends.

For two days the stress stops, or at the very least, put on the back burner.

We spend time with friends and family.

We vent our frustrations.

We have fun.

This weekend was no exception.

Friday we took the girls to the park up the street.

We indulged in a family game of kick ball.

And then there was tree climbing and exploring.

It was a nice afternoon.

Saturday we had dinner and a movie over our friends’ house.

The women cooked while the men played video games and the children watched a movie.

[-- It was nice. --]

Then we ate dinner and watched a movie.

[--And then Chris and I won the Parents of the Year award for keeping our children out until 11:30pm--]

Sunday we went to a BBQ at Chris’s Aunt’s house.

They live up in Ramona and I love going up there because the view is breathtaking.

We all took turns playing badminton.

[-- Which was tons of fun even though I sucked at it! --]

Then we ate a late lunch of cheeseburgers and hot dogs.

Afterwards, the girls picked me some gorgeous flowers!

[-- I couldn't believe that Chris's Aunt allowed them to pick her flowers!--]

All in all it was a pretty fabulous weekend.

I look forward to more like it.

[--Is it possible that I have found where I belong?--]