There’s a Reason for That

 Friday Follow, Therapy  1 Response »
Jul 162010
 

Just in case you happen to be new here, you should know that I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. Back in April, through a series of unfortunate events I was hospitalized and started on medication for my depression. 2 medications to be exact. Prozac and Abilify. I take the Prozac in the morning and the Abilify at night. Recently I discovered that I should probably take both medications consistently to maintain my state of happy.

I know what you’re thinking. “DUH!”

Yeah well, you live and you learn.

The thing is I have the hardest time remembering to take my Abilify.  The Prozac is easy to remember to take because it is first thing in the morning. But the Abilify? Trying to remember to take it after an exhausting day of answering questions like “Where does the sun go when the moon comes up?” and trying in vain to maintain some state of cleanliness in my disaster of a house… well, I forget to take it… A LOT.

Recently, I went about 2 weeks without taking it. Oh I would think about taking it. But then I would realize that I had nothing upstairs to drink to take it with and I was much too exhausted to walk all the way downstairs to just get some water, or some other similar excuse. Then that feeling of being out of control came back. Not as extreme as before medication, but I could still feel it.

That was my wake up call. Take both medications, stupid. Because apparently I am so screwed in the head that Prozac can’t handle the job alone.

Fantastic.

Anyways, I am happy to report that I am back to taking both medications regularly and my state of happy is returning.

Thank goodness. Because I spent way too much of my life on the other side of happy. I think I’ll stay on this side for a while.

friday-follow

 Posted by at 5:36 am

Finally Finding Balance

 Happy, Therapy  No Responses »
May 112010
 

This is another happy post. You’ve been forewarned.

 Two and a half years ago, I became the mother of 2 children. You always hear about how the transition from one child to two is the hardest. My transition was made even harder by that bitch, Depression. For the past 2 years I have struggled, completely confused as to how other moms did it. How did they manage to keep their houses clean, meals cooked, kids happy and still manage to find time to work out, put make up on and look great. I admired those women. I thought they must be closer to super hero than human. (And maybe moms are anyway.) But now I get it.

 They aren’t super heroes. They just aren’t depressed.

 I really had no clue just how much it was effecting my life, guys. Seriously. And I know this is basically the same thing I wrote about in my Functioning vs. Surviving blog post, but you guys have got to understand what a drastic change it is I am going through.

 My house is cleaner. (Not completely caught up on everything yet, but getting closer everyday.) I am spending more quality time with my kids. And I am even managing to fit my “me time” in as well. It is a beautiful thing to finally be able to enjoy life instead of feeling crushed by it. Even the fact that my medication causes insomnia (which I will be talking to the doctor about today) doesn’t bother me. (Until about mid day. Than I get grumpy. But if the husband is home I take a nap. Et voila! Back to happy!) The insomnia is an easy trade off for happy. (Not to mention insomnia is always good for writing. Realize how much I’m posting lately, kiddies?)

 I guess I am just astonished at how quickly things changed once I finally got the help I needed.

 Ok. I am done rambling. I have pretty pictures of my awesome girls to share.

 One of the areas that I am happy to say I have been able to improve on is letting my girls spend more time outside. I try to take them out every day. I mean we are only going to be in Hawaii for 3 more months. I might as well let them soak up as much sun as possible before we move to the Washington rain.

 I converted our back lanai into a family/play area (as seen here). That’s usually where I take the girls to play after lunch. But yesterday they were bored with it so we walked the whole 20 ft to the playground beside our house. :) It’s a tiny playground. And not very awesome compared to the other playgrounds on base. But they still had fun.

 Of course after spending some time in the sun, they were both wiped out!

 My Bear after her nap. She’s still not fully awake!

My Princess is so photogenic. Don’t you agree?

The husband bought Princess this tent a few weeks ago but we had to take it away because she was acting up. She just got it back yesterday and she was so happy about it. I am thinking we are going to start reading bedtime stories in it every night.

Bear did NOT want to get in the tent and take a picture for me. She was grumpy. Guess she didn’t get in a good enough nap.

At this point they were both so over me and my camera and just wanted to be left alone. I obliged them to go downstairs and start the photo editing process! :)

And that’s all I have for today! I want to say thank you to my new followers. If I’m not following you back, let me know and I’ll be sure to stop by your blog! Have a great day!

 Posted by at 2:32 pm

Functioning vs. Surviving

 Therapy  1 Response »
May 072010
 
Vectors & Renders

During my stay in the deep dark pit which is depression, I always thought that I couldn’t be that bad off because I was still able to function. I was able to get out of bed everyday and make sure my children were fed and decently clean. And that was pretty much it. If I made the kids 3 nutritious meals and a healthy snack (sans meltdown from myself or either child) I considered the day a success. But I really wasn’t doing much else. I never really had the energy to clean the house and only did so when it got to an almost unlivable point. I rarely took the kids outside, which is horrible I know. But outside of making sure that my daughters’ most basic needs were met, I wasn’t doing much else with my time. I wasn’t functioning. I was just surviving.

 Well I have been on Prozac and Abilify for about 2 weeks and I can tell that they are starting to take effect by the amount of stuff I am accomplishing, in addition to the fact that I am most definitely more perky and happy. And now that I am seeing just how much I was capable of to begin with, I am really loathing that period of time when all I could do was survive. I feel like there is such much more I should have accomplished by now if it hasn’t been for those years of darkness. I know there is really no point in dwelling on the past and I also know that all that matters is that I am happy now, but I can’t help but to notice the differences between then and now. Now I am functioning. Now I am living. And it is a great feeling!

 Posted by at 12:34 pm

Emergency Room Psychic

 Storytime, Therapy  1 Response »
May 042010
 

  It was Saturday night. I wasn’t out with my husband or enjoying a quiet night in. I was laying in a hospital bed in an emergency room hooked up to a million different machines. The doctors and nurses were monitoring my heart and blood pressure and O2 sats. My arms were covered in gauze  from the countless times people had tried to draw blood from my severely dehydrated veins. They were checking to make sure that my organs weren’t failing. They were checking to make sure I hadn’t succeeded in what I had set out to do. Kill myself.

Don’t worry. I regretted my stupid decision almost as soon as I swallowed the pills. It was an impulse thing. Clearly I hadn’t stopped to think things through. It’s funny the way life works though. My impulse decision brought some very caring people into my life. If only for a moment.

She was one of those people.

 Several times over the many hours I spent in that bed I saw her stand on tip toe to look over the curtain into my room. I assumed she was looking for someone that worked in the ER. But you know what they say about assumptions. She was actually waiting to speak with me.

 Finally all the doctors, nurses and medics cleared the room, satisfied with the fact that I was not going to die. I was left to wait for someone to come down and escort me up to the psych ward. That’s when she peeked her head around the curtain and smiled an enormous genuine smile at me. It wasn’t a pity smile. Or a fake smile. It was like we were long lost friends seeing each other for the first time after many years, and it instantly warmed my heart.

 Her name was Mrs. D. She was a 40 something woman with deeply tanned skin (typical of the California girl she so proudly proclaimed to be) and big curly red hair. She had a loud, country voice like you would expect to hear from somebody from the South. She was energetic and full of life. And in the hour I spent with her she made me laugh, cry and take a long hard look at myself.

 She told me about her many husbands. She told me about her failed friendships. She told me about how she had been right where I was. As we talked, it was obvious that she was reading between the lines of everything I said. She pointed out things about me that I hadn’t said with spooky precision. It was as if she could see right into my head. She got me to begrudgingly admit that the world wasn’t out to get me, that I just wasn’t trying hard enough. The magic of that is she got me to admit it and I didn’t hate her for it.

 My time with Mrs. D was very short indeed, but in that short amount of time she made a positive impact on my life. I believe she truly found her calling in her line of work and if there is a heaven then she most definitely deserves a spot up there.

 Thank you Mrs. D. I appreciate you more than you know!

 Posted by at 4:55 pm

Do I call it a mistake even if it helps me in the long run?

 Therapy  No Responses »
Apr 302010
 

 So I need to fill you guys in. I’ll spare you the details, mainly because I am much too ashamed to write them for the world to see. Suffice it to say that last Saturday I had a mental breakdown of epic proportions and landed myself on the psych ward for 3 days and nights. Not many people know outside of my husband’s family and 2 friends that are near and dear to my heart. I didn’t even tell my own family. Before I go into anything I just want to apologize to anyone I hurt by my selfish actions. But really, when you hit bottom like that it truly does seem like you have nowhere else to go. I am sure there is at least one person reading this that can relate to that.

 Anyways, so I was released from the psych ward on Tuesday evening with a promise to my doctors to follow up with outpatient psychiatry and actually keep up with it. And today I took the first step on keeping up with that promise by meeting with my new psychiatrist. I think I may have a bad rep with the psych clinic for being so picky about my providers and giving up so easily, but I am going to stick with treatment this time. I think most of my treatment I am going to have to do on my own, she is just going to point me in the right direction and prescribe the stuff I need to stabilize me until I can handle it all on my own. So wish me luck because I definitely have a long road ahead of me.

 That’s the short version of the story, and honestly, I think it is the only version I am going to be willing to share for the moment. I’ll keep you guys updated on my treatment though and let you know how it progresses. And that’s all I got for now. I’ll be back to sunshine and kittens next week.

 Posted by at 4:54 am
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