So here we are. Three weeks into 2012. Have I blogged at all? Absolutely not. Have I wanted to? Of course I have. But here’s the problem:
DEPRESSION
She’s a persistant bitch. She sucks the life out of everything. Things I used to love doing all seem so tedious now. So I will start a blog post, but half way through I will get tired of typing. I miss doing the things that I loved. Like taking pictures and editing them. And blogging every day. And editing my theme every week. I had all of these hobbies that I really enjoyed doing, but now I can’t bring myself to get back into them. The desire is there. It really is. But when I start working on something, I get all irritated and frustrated and quit. My concentration is shot. I can’t focus on anything for very long. And I mean anything. Books, movies, TV shows. Nothing holds my interest anymore. Do you know how incredibly frustrating that is? Every once in a while, a day here and there, I will have a good day. I will be able to clean up my house and maybe watch a movie all the way through. But those days are few and far between. I think this is the worst my depression has ever been. Even before my last suicide attempt I was still able to somewhat enjoy my hobbies.
I need my medications back. It kills me knowing that a few pills everyday can make this better. That a pill in the morning and a pill at night is enough to make me function like a normal human being. And oh, how I miss that feeling. It was beautiful for the short while I had it. I remember waking up in the morning and thinking to myself, ”So this is how normal people do it.” It was wonderful to be able to do the simple things without having to force myself to. But now? Everything is a struggle. Every single thing. I feel like I am always on the brink of drowing. Just doing enough to keep my head above the surface. And it is so exhausting. And oh, let’s not even get into my sleeping habits. I would sleep all day, every day if I could. Just sleep my life right away and not think twice about it.
I wrote a post back in 2010, about a week or two after I was released from the hospital following my suicide attempt. It was called Functioning vs, Surviving. At that point I was learning what it meant to be able to function. I had been on medication long enough for it to start taking effect and I was amazed at the changes I saw in myself. A lot of people view depression as something that people just need to “snap out of”. They don’t see it as the illness it is. I was one of those people before I started medication. I remember being so frustrated and so mad at myself, because no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t “snap out of it”. And here I am again. Trying to “snap out of it”. And it’s not working. I have no health insurance right now and I haven’t been to see a doctor since we left Hawaii a year and a half ago. There are clinics I could call for help. But thanks to the absolute gift that is social anxiety, the thought of talking to anyone on the phone sends me damn near into a panic attack. So I am stuck here for the moment. Not living. Not really functioning. Just surviving.
The beautiful thing about this? Even in my current state of mind, I have still gone out of my way to help the people who ask it of me. I can’t fucking help myself, but to my dying breath I will help others.
The beautiful thing about that? My help was not appreciated. Not even a little. I was made to feel bad, because one time… ONE TIME… I chose to put my feelings and needs above theirs.
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
I hate when people won’t look beyond their own selfish desires to see what others are battling.
But, I digress.
I’m trying to pull myself together.
I start school next week. And I am hoping that sometime this week I can get up the nerve to make the call to see a psychiatrist so I can go back on my medications. I refuse to let 2012 to be the gaping hole of nothingness that 2011 was for me.
And I am going to start updating this more. Even if that means only once a week.
I woke up this morning to a rare phenomenon. I was actually awake before the kids! Without aid of an alarm clock! Usually, on non-school days I get to wake up to a barrage of questions. These include, “Can I have some breakfast, Momma?” and “Can I watch TV, Momma?” So I usually fall out of bed grumbling and blindly stumbling in the general direction of the kitchen to make my little monsters something to eat. By the time I get there, the first fight of the day between the girls has usually already begun, so before my eyes are even fully opened I am having to moderate so violence doesn’t break out. That is a typical non-school morning in this household.
So imagine my surprise this morning when I woke up to complete and total silence. (Well, other than my darling husband snoring away next to me.) I checked my clock and it was just a few minutes before 7am. Definitely right around the time when I should be hearing demands for sustenance and cries of, “My sister won’t leave me alone!” So what conclusion does my rational mommy mind jump to? “OH MY GOD! SOMEONE SLAUGHTERED MY CHILDREN IN THEIR SLEEP!” Yeah. I’m not even kidding. That was literally the first thing I thought. It’s great being a mother. All rational thought goes out the window where my children are concerned. I saw a picture that summed this up perfectly, so I did some digging around on the interwebz this morning so I could share it with you guys:
That picture is the most accurate description of motherhood I have ever seen in my life.
I, of course, realized that the likelihood that a serial killer had broken into my house and murdered my children as I slept peacefully in the next room was slim to none. Nevertheless, I tiptoed into their room this morning to reassure myself that they were still breathing. And to snap pictures of my sleeping babies. How cute are they? All quiet and asleep and not talking or screaming or whining or crying.
(Yay for camera phone pictures!)
They slept in just long enough for me to make some coffee. And they woke up in good moods! I guess there is a lot to be said for fresh sheets, warms pajamas, a nice hot bath and a story before bed. Who would have thought, huh?
I know I have been crap at blogging for pretty much the last year, but I just wanted to let you guys know that I have big things planned for 2012 (at least until the world ends!) Barely Jessica has a new look and soon it will have new content to go along with it! I am looking forward to getting back into the blogging world! See you guys soon!
Going to Rockstar UpRoar Tour Tomorrow!!!
And I can’t freaking wait! Must charge camera today! My father in law is coming to pick the girls up early in the morning and then we’ll be off!!! I could possibly be meeting Seether tomorrow! I may die of happiness! Can’t wait to share pictures with you guys! See you next week! Have a great weekend!
It has been ages since I last updated. I believe I last updated in May? Well, whenever it was doesn’t really matter now. I deleted all previous entries so that I can start over again. About six months ago I exported all of my posts and prepared to shut my blog down. When I ended up keeping it instead, I re-uploaded everything only to find that all categories, comments and pictures were gone. I attempted to go through and fix the individual posts, but with over 300 of them it was a lost cause. Because of that I completely lost my blogging mojo. Seeing as to how I am still paying for my domain and hosting, however, I decided to get back into it again. I am surprised that I went as long as I did without blogging! For 6 years I have enjoyed blogging, and for me to go 5 months without posting is unheard of! I am back, though, and I hope I can get back into the habit!
My last post, prior to the “OMG-I-Am-Just-Gonna-Delete-Everything-And-Start-Over” episode, was 5 months ago. So if there is anyone out there who is still subscribed to this nonsense I guess I should let you guys know what all has happened since then.
5 months ago we were still living with Chris’s grandma. In July we finally moved into our own place. It’s not much but it is our own space and it is wonderful to have that again!
I can’t remember if Chris was working yet when I last posted, but if not then I’ll let you guys know that he does have a job now. For a while he was working two jobs but the poor guy was running himself ragged from getting off work at one job and then going straight to work at another one. He was only working the second job once a week, but still. I was glad when he finally quit the second job. On another note, Chris’s disability from the VA finally went through. That has been a big help to us as well!
5 months ago we were still driving the POS Nissan that we bought from my parents when we lived in Louisiana. Well that car died on us almost immediately after we moved into out new place. (Talk about bad luck, huh?) For a while Chris was borrowing his dad’s car when he needed to go to work, but then he saved up enough money to get another car. For the first time since the Focus died on us, I feel as if we have traded up for a car, rather than down. Here is a side by side comparison of the old Nissan and New (to us) Subaru!
Continue reading A Fresh Start
|
|
Loading ...